Rick Rude and Tiger Crude

Recently, I saw the newest Star Trek movie. Thought it was pretty good, I liked how they explained the story. All of this happened because of time travel and parallel universes, and fun stuff like that.

Fast forward to this morning, and the Tiger Woods press conference.  He was contrite. Some say he was sincere, others say the opposite. Before it started, I kept thinking back to what someone else said (Bill Simmons, I believe), “wouldn’t it be cool if Tiger Woods turned heel”. So, sitting there, waiting for him to come out, I had a quick dream. It went a little something like this….

Before I go on, I guess I should explain some things for those who don’t get the lingo. In pro wrestling, the terminology for a good guy is, Face. A bad guy is a Heel. Sometimes the term Baby Face is used for the really good guys. Anyways, most wrestlers go from being Face to Heel, Heel to Face over the course of time.  One of the key ways for a wrestler to switch from Face to Heel (aside from an attitude adjustment) is to grow facial hair. Shawn Michaels was the king of this tactic. Another thing that needs to be stated is my dream took place in an alternate reality.

Friday, 2/19/10, 8AM Pacific Time (yeah, I had already been up for two hours, and I don’t even have a job). Also, this takes place in a parallel universe. Also, this wasn’t a friends only thing, this was a full fledge press conference.

With the audience packed with reports, Tiger Woods makes his first public appearance since this ordeal started.  Wearing a suite with no tie, and sporting a stubble beard, Tiger looks at his audience as he stands at the podium.

Tiger Woods: I would like to thank you all for coming out this morning. Thank you to everyone watching on TV, my millions of fans, for giving me this change to tell you my side of the story. This has been a very trying time for me. So many lies have been reported on this story, that I felt it my obligation to tell you my side. I was advised to not say anything, and that has lead to the proliferation of all these rumors. Watch, as people of low character defile my untarnished name. Stand by idle, as sponsors dropped me. This hurt, forget the pain in my personal life, but my public life was under an assault by the media. Many in the media have suggested that I go on Oprah or 60 minutes, and repent for my mistakes. I would ask them all to look in the mirror, and ask themselves if they are perfect. None of you have walked a mile in my shoes; none of you know what it is like to be. Most importantly though, this is my private life. All of us have private lives that aren’t reported, they are private. Get my theme; it’s called a private life. I have committed no crime; if fact I have done A LOT of good. My foundation has given schooling and college scholarships to countless of needy kids. The only people I hurt were the ones closest to me.  So believe me, I paid the price for that. My family had to live in seclusion because of how tenacious the media has been. My children couldn’t go out and play in peace. Thankfully, they are too young to understand the lies on the covers of magazines. It took a lot for me to sit back and read some of the stuff that was written. Some of my peers, taking shots at me. Some guys whom barley know me as a person. That really hurts because; I am the reason that these guys make all their money. It’s a fact that I have raised the profile and popularity of golf to unseen heights. So to those who criticized me, it would have been nice if you just didn’t say anything, and appreciated the life style that I made possible for you.  I never comment of anyone else’s personal life, and don’t intend to. We don’t play a team sports, my actions don’t change the playing field. We compete on the course, that’s where it ends. All of my life, I have listened to what others have told me to do. Everything I do seems to benefit others, as much as it does my self. Hell, half of you guys are going to get from page headline stories tomorrow, because of ME. I sat in silence long enough, had my good name dragged through the mud. Look, I am an athlete, not a marriage guru. My fans love me because of Golf, because on any green, in any country, I am the best. So after much thought, I have decided, I am going to have to make some tough changes. But, first, I would like to address some individuals who deserve to be addressed. Elin, my wife, mother of my children. I have wronged you, but what about forgiveness. What about, through good times and bad. Not once have you come to my aide. Have I not provided for you and the kids? Have I not provided you a life that many could not dare to dream off? The houses, the cars, the diamonds! You couldn’t even come out and say anything? So, I am going to save you some time and effort. It’s over Elin, maybe there was a reason I was going elsewhere for something I should have been getting at home.

There are a few more people I would like to introduce.  First and most importantly, I would like to introduce my newest advisor. He is the only man in the world qualified enough to give me advice. He is just about the smartest man I have ever met. Furthermore, he cares about me. His compassion is boundless. This man is one of greatest leaders in the history of our country. One day, an airport will be named after him. Also, on an unrelated note, he is one handsome devil. So my newest advisor, my newest friend…

(Lights do dim, queue the Darth Vader music)

Dick Cheney!

(Dick Cheney comes out from behind the curtain; Tiger and him embrace and smile)

Tiger: Thank you Dick, you are a true mentor. President Obama, I was winning Masters while you were a community organizer. Dick Cheney is a man I admire, and with that I would also like to tell you that I am funding Mr. Cheney’s campaign for president in 2012. How do you like that? Lastly, I need someone to look out for me when I am on the road. Dick likes to stay home and hunt, so I need me a pal for the road. So, come out here and show yourself Rick.

(Enter Rick Rude)

http://sas.guidespot.com/bundles/guides_7h/assets/widget_c4JnsNTynchlT4wli5edqp.jpg

Rick is the only guy who understands what it is like to be simply, ravishing. So when you see me, you see Rick. Rick has my back. He will be my second set of eyes, my second set of ears and really good lookout at the hotel room door. The three of us are going to rule this country. Me on the lynx. Dick in his box, I mean White House. And Rick with my leftover ladies. So America, there you have it. Love me, or hate me it don’t make a difference. Dick is sharp. Rick is rude. Me? I’m just crude.